Philly Fantasy Life, Vol. VI: WE’RE COMING FOR BLOOD

Before I get into it, quick point of note: any inquiries regarding your fantasy team are more than welcome. Follow, DM, and/or tweet to me via @therealyonnell with a screenshot of your team + your question before Thursday Night Football (or really whenever depending on how pressing it is to your matchup) and I will do my best to get back to all of them. Or don’t. It’s your team, you do you.

Anyways.

IT’S DALLAS WEEK BABY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. WE’RE COMING FOR BLOOD.

We’ve got reason to be upset at ourselves. The secondary, the receivers, the run-blocking, the drops, the coaching decisions, the anonymous leaks.

BUT IT’S DALLAS WEEK, AND WE ARE ONE.

This week’s story is brief, but imperative to Philadelphia fandom. My good friend and season ticket holder Del and I were walking home from school yeeeeears ago, probably back when Jay Cutler was pumping insulin in Chicago. That’s a weird point of reference, but it works.

So we’re walking home from school and some guy passes us on his bike wearing a shirt that says “Dallas Sucks.” That was it, just Dallas Sucks. We laughed, but then he said something that always stuck with me:

“Being an Eagles fan is less about loving the Eagles and more about hating Dallas.”

And like… is he wrong? Before you disagree, let me be clear: loving the Eagles is an integral piece to being an Eagles fan. We all love them. Why else would you read some shitty column written by some kid a few Bud Lights deep telling you how to beat the college friends you barely talk to anymore or the coworkers you don’t like at a game whose title reminds its competitors that it’s a literal fantasy? Because you love the Eagles.

But still! Last week made it so clear: we lost to the Vikings in one of the most frustrating, embarrassing, and disgraceful losses we’ve had in a while, yet I count last week as an enormous victory. Why? Because Dallas lost to the fucking Jets hahahahaha. Like, the JETS Jets. And that is so beautiful.

If we were 0-6 or 6-0 going into this game, it wouldn’t matter. No big picture circumstance matters more than just beating the living shit out of Dallas. I don’t want to just beat the Cowboys, I want to beat them and guarantee their loved ones were there to see. I want their cars to break down on the drive home. I want their kids to botch that test they have next week. I want Tony Romo’s head on a stake. I want to write more visuals, but I’m currently applying for jobs and really don’t want this to come back and bite me.

All I want is to end the Dallas Cowboys. Today, and always.

I’m dedicating this week’s edition to the impending finger wag Jalen Mills will give Amari Cooper in the fourth quarter when Cooper’s line is already 11-156-2 and Mills had no impact on the given drop. Wag away, prince.

QB: Wentz, man. This guy is like next level unlucky. His receivers lead the league on deep ball drops (5). Remember that time Calvin Johnson got tackled inside the 5 yard line like 8 times in one season? That’s what this season feels like. For you fans of The League, this season is like a constant state of vinegar strokes to no completion. Start him because duh, but

RB:

Howard: Watch out for Dallas — aside from Aaron Jones’ 4 TD game and a matchup with Saquon, they’ve bottled up running backs for totals of 15, 7, 11, and 13 points. Jordan Howard isn’t Alvin Kamara or Le’Veon Bell. Peters is also out, and I didn’t like Andre Dillard covering the left side last week. Howard’s obviously worth a start at RB2/Flex depending on your roster and league size given the value of his touches and convincing volume, but expectations should be limited.

Sanders: A few stats: Miles Sanders has the most 30+ yard receptions by an NFL rookie RB through six games since 1991. Miles Sanders has the third highest yards per touch behind Dalvin Cook and Matt Breida with 5.97, and just ahead of David Johnson, Austin Ekeler, and Christian McCaffrey. Miles Sanders has the third most yards from scrimmage by an Eagles through 6 games all time with 418, trailing only Lee Bouggess in 1970 and DeSean Jackson in 2008. Miles Sanders is very good at pass protection. Miles Sanders is very good at football.

Sproles: OUT. Sad to see this because I love a good Sproles outside pitch or wheel route, but happy because I know Doug would’ve given him an HB dive or some dumb shit.

Scott: Lol jk

WR:

Alshon: Bad news: We 100% will not contain Amari Cooper. Good news: That means another high volume day in the passing game. Jeffery’s value is constantly inflated by our game scripts. He’s like Marques Colston on the Saints when they literally didn’t have a defense. Until Doug instills a bounty on opposing players, Eagles games will continue their high scoring trends. Start Alshon now and always.

DeSean: God DAMN it I wanted this so so so so so so so bad. Just like one deep ball to Jackson so he could walk over to Jason Garrett and whisper in his ear what a little twerp that rascal is. Maybe Russell-Westbrook-style rock Byron Jones to sleep after burning him deep. If this was a Civil War era letter home to my wife, it’d be stained with tear drops.

Agholor: Ok, hear me out. That one play where Wentz overthrew Agholor? That was a textbook DeSean play. With DeSean out this week, expect Agholor and… Miles Sanders… to cover the deep threats. Now Aggy frustrates me too, but if he can rip the hearts out of Dallas fans, sign me up. He’s a desperation flex in deep leagues, or an overzealously spite-driven play for Philly fans.

Other: JJAW and Hollins… I truly cannot. If you see them at your tailgate, fight them. They deserve what Mike Scott received. Next time you’re strolling the Art Museum on pay what you want Wednesdays and you see a painting of either of them, burn it. If you’re in Fishtown and see them lecturing gentrifiers on the damage those folks do to historic communities… wait until they’re done and politely ask them to catch footballs better.

TE:

Ertz: Like every elite tight end, Ertz is seeing an enormous regression this season. What’s more worrying is his catch rate; in 2018 he was 7th overall in catch rate, while in 2019 he is now 28th in the same metric. Furthermore, his red zone target share is down from first to fourth. Frankly, a lot of his value lost is on him for some dastardly drops. If he can increase his catch rate, he’ll see an uptick in high value targets. He’s still a top-6 tight end, and is a guaranteed starter week-in week-out. That fact just underscores the statistical irrelevance of the position this year.

Goedert: Remember when I said he looked like a caveman? Over the last three weeks he’s trailing Ertz by like 6 points, which says more about Ertz’ underperformance than anything. Hey, if you want to start him, go off. Nothing says fuck Dallas more than starting a backup tight end named Dallas in Dallas. Just know I don’t condone it as a winning strategy.

K: Jake! He scored a season-high 9 points, but what could’ve been 14 points. THIS is the sort of production that will make him start-worthy, and in what feels like a gun-slinging matchup, I support starting him this week. He’s not a great option, but isn’t it nice having an Eagle in your lineup?

D/ST: I was going to make a joke about Rasul Douglas = Bradley Fletcher and then go in on how the defense’s failure is more execution than scheme, but I won’t. I’m going to leave you with this: Start the Eagles’ defense. This may not work. This may lose you your matchup. But do it. I don’t know why, it just feels right. Aside from the Jets, this team has struggled a ton, but Dad. Fucking. Sucks. Scandrick’s going to take one back for a touchdown. Cox’s gonna rip Dak’s throat out. Jenkins is going to send Witten back to retirement. Lito Shepard is going to pull an Indiana Jones and lure Rasul Douglas into an alley, knock him out, put on his uniform, and kill Zeke. Mortal Kombat finish. Quote me on it.

Start them. If it was a mistake, we go down with the ship. But do it anyway. Fuck Dallas.

Go birds,
Will