Philly Fantasy Life Vol. V: Grace Costs Something

I want to talk about a deep insecurity of mine. As an Eagles fan, no, as a Philadelphia fan, I have always had a deep insecurity around sports. My fandom is somehow dependent on bringing others down, not simply celebrating my own victories. If you’ve made it this far, just no I’m totally fucking with you. If you’re a Vikings fan, buckle up hahahaha.

I love, love, LOVE shit talk. Aside from watching the Eagles win, it’s the best part of football. Unfortunately, this gets me in trouble sometimes. Namely, one time a professor of mine, who will go unnamed, made the grave mistake of saying “Skol” as we left class just before the Eagles Vikings game two years ago. I haven’t let him forget it. Oh, and his name is Michael G. Miller, and he’s a professor at Barnard.

I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves (they’ll be sprinkled in this week’s column), but I want to urge each and all of you to remind the residents of Minnesota of what happened in that NFC Championship game. Let this week’s column be your permission slip to talk all the trash you want, now and always.

This one’s for you, Big Mike #Skol

Wentz: Wentz is an absolute stud, and we should all be jazzed he’s our guy… in real life. Unfortunately for fantasy owners, this last start was pretty meh. Some advice? Starting elite quarterbacks against shitty defenses rarely produces elite numbers. The game script just rarely works like that. Wentz has a tough matchup against the Vikings who are 8th against the pass, but other than Aaron Rodgers, they’ve basically played measly QBs. I’m green lighting Wentz this week, as always, though he’ll certainly need his supporting cast to show up if he wants top ten production.

RB:

 Howard- Is Howard… a reliable fantasy starter?? There’s a lot of talk about how he and Sanders are still splitting carries, but if we consider the value of each carry, Howard is truly the guy. He’s getting more red zone touches than Sanders, and turning them into touchdowns. He may not be talked about in the same conversation as Lagarette Blount and that kind of bruiser back, but he’s quietly got the highestyards after contact in the league. It’s a tough matchup against a strong Vikings front seven, but the guys they’ve shut down are rookie Josh Jacobs, whoever’s the backup to the backup in New York, and Devonta Freeman’s old ass. I’m comfortably starting Howard as a firm RB2 with RB1 upside, should he get those valuable red zone touches.

Sanders: Sanders is a desperation play in the flex if you’re in an 18-man league. He’s also a great handcuff if anything happens to Howard and your bench is just that deep. But he had his fewest carries in a game, albeit along with his highest reception total. He and Howard could very likely turn into an AP/Chris Thompson-esque duo, and you shouldn’t start Chris Thompson. So why are you starting Miles Sanders? Love him in real life, but keep him off your roster.

WR:

Alshon: A low YPC overshadowed the fact that Alshon led the team in receptions. This should be great news for Eagles fans and Alshon owners alike. As games are more competitive, as they certainly will be over the next six games, expect Alshon to be working his ass off. He’s firmly a WR2.

DJax: Ok so he’s out which makes me sad, but playing it safe might be the first good thing the medical staff has done in a while. Let’s hope he can start against Dallas and piss on the star or something.

Agholor: Aggy is literally unstartable if anyone named Jackson or Jeffery is in the lineup. If you didn’t already sell high, sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Other: Lol

TE:

Ertz: Zertz continues to disappoint in the reception game. Don’t get me wrong, relative to other tight ends, he’s still a must start. But if you drafted him in the third or fourth and passed on a guy like Chris Godwin, his slow season doesn’t feel great. I heard some people pissed Kittle and Kelce were talked about as the clear “1 and 2 tight ends,” but truth be told, Ertz hasn’t had the stats to keep himself in that discussion. He’s got elite talent, and I’m faithful he’ll show up eventually, so keep plugging him in your line up. I mean, what are you gonna do, start like Jason Witten? Lol

Goedert: Goedert looks like if the kid in Jumanji who was half monkey had grown up and still had that hairline, but he run blocks like a champ. If he’s healthy, be excited about the run game. If not, go watch Jumanji and revel in the beauty that is Robin Williams. Rip.

K: Elliott’s still perfect on the year, but he needs the offense to produce more if he’s gonna be startable. Until Jackson’s back, I don’t see why you bother with him.

D/ST: Ok, hear me out on this: you ever play Runescape? If not, it’s the poor man’s League of Legends. If you’re still too cool to get the reference, picture Lord of the Rings. Now put yourself in that world. Bam.

So one trick in Runescape, to level up, is to just kill a bunch of chickens instead of fighting a goblin or a giant. Reason being, you get the XP either way, one is just an easier, defenseless target, albeit one you have to kill like 100 times to get anywhere.

The Eagles defense is the player, and chicken are the Jets. This game should inspire nothing in our hearts or minds. If we’re going to mock Dallas for starting 3-0 against trash teams, miss me with the “LETS GO BABY WE KILLED THE JETS OUR DEFENSE IS BACK” takes. Until we played one of the worst teams I’ve ever seen step foot on a football field, we couldn’t touch a quarterback. Zach Brown may be right, and Kirk Cousins may be the weakest part of that defense, but he’s got weapons, and if we can’t put on pressure, he’ll have time. If you wanna ride the hot hand, go for it. But there are too many streamable defenses this week to go with the birds.

And as always,
Go birds