Philly Fans Shocked to Find Rage Room no Longer Includes F Lot, Most of City
(Philadelphia) – Flyers fans awoke this week to shocking news, as the Wells Fargo Center unveiled its newest feature: The Rage Room. Fans are invited into the room to “blow off steam” by smashing objects with various provided weaponry. Many were bewildered at the announcement, given the previous expansiveness of “rage space.”
“The whole thing just seems limiting,” Delco native Jimmy O’Donnell told us. “I mean, a rage room? Our rage room is like Packer ave to the River. Hell, the entire damn city is one big rage room. Now I gotta pay? Sorry, not happening.”
O’Donnell was one of many fans confused by the stadium’s decision, though others took to Twitter to voice their concerns. @TheRealDevon990 tagged the Flyers, asking “.@Flyers are crowbars still allowed in the stands?”
F Lot’s monopoly on frustration-driven fan activity will certainly be challenged by the new attraction. Likewise, law enforcement expect a significant decline in assault and battery cases in the sections 201-224 of the stadium. “I been seeing Pens fans, Devils fans, heck even Toronto fans getting their asses kicked in these seats for years,” Officer Lou Pinello told us. “I’m sad to see the changes.”
Season ticket holders and one-time standing room patrons alike have raised questions about the ethics of the Flyers capitalizing on their fans’ frustrations. An attendee of the Sixers’ recent preseason game, donning an Ish Smith jersey, was bewildered by GM Phil Laws’ tour of the Disassembly Room. “I been sneaking my switch into that place for 28 years, and now you tell me all I get is a baseball bat and a clay vase? I dunno, maybe get a fucking coach and leave me the hell alone.” The fan requested anonymity.
Carson Wentz was recently seen inside the new Wells Fargo Center feature. “It’s been really good for me and Aggy’s relationship. Prayer can only do so much, so it’s been nice smashing TVs instead of taking it out on him after all those drops.”
The Flyers organization has announced it will be providing pottery and mirrors for fans to break, but will not prevent any ongoing violence against opposing fans. “It’s what defines us, it’s who we are,” reported a bloodied Director of Player Personnel Dave Brown.
Philly Fan Life is still waiting on Gritty for comment.