Philly Fantasy Life, Vol. IV: The Comeback Kid
Halloween, 2007. I’m 12-years-old, wrapping up another successful year pillaging the neighborhood for its chocolate riches. My buddy invites me over to his parents’ second house, an abandoned shell of a home that they’ve been trying to flip for years. He tells me he’s turned it into a haunted house, with the help of a few of his school friends (he, rather inexplicably, went to a private school in Philly instead of our public school). Now, here’s the key to the story: I’m a bonafide coward.
All growing up I’ve been a baby. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Signs, hell, even the special features on The Ring 2 kept me up for weeks. I’ve never seen it but the menu on the DVD has been enough to make me expect 12-year-old girls with long, slick black hair in a dress weirdly reminiscent of Victorian drapes around every corner. I knew the Haunted House was a mistake.
So there I am, a mini Tony Hawk lookalike dragging his Dragon Ball Z skateboard behind him. I open the door and meander into a dimly lit home occupied only by CVS-brand cobwebs and seven kids from Germantown trying to get me to shit my pants.
At the end of the hallway was a cauldron with candy, the prize for any brave soul that made it a whopping 20 feet inside. Defying all odds, I found myself eyeing that beautiful mound of Smarties and Whoppers like Indiana Jones eyeing the idol, but when I made my move, a behemoth in all black popped out from the corner yelling. I panicked, screamed, and answered the age old question of fight or flight…
I punched that poor woman right in the jaw.
And, I gotta say, it was a pretty good hit! I’m not proud I punched my friend’s mom, but if I was going to do it anyway, at least I didn’t embarrass myself, right? No? That’s fair. For what it’s worth, she was (and is) totally fine. But WOW was she livid at the time.
I don’t go in Haunted Houses anymore.
October’s upon us, and I wanted to open with a story that fits the season. Shoutout to Mrs. Harris for (eventually) being a good sport, and to everyone who has wronged me, let this be a warning: don’t hide from me in places I would be startled to find you.
Without further ado, this one goes out to Mrs. Harris:
QB: God, did this win feel good. Wentz only needed 160 yards to put up elite numbers. Against the Packers. IN Lambeau. I swear to God he is matchup proof. If I’m a coward, he’s a starter. If he’s on your roster and you’re benching him for anyone not named Lamar Jackson or Patrick Mahomes, what in god’s name are you doing? I will go full Haunted House and clock your ass. START HIM.
RB: Sanders: Oh boy. This is tough. Sanders looked great, due in large part to the O-Line looking great. Both backs, for that matter, benefited from perhaps the best run-blocking we’ve seen all season, granted it was against one of the league’s worst run defenses. But even that kick return looked good, and his play making in space was awesome. He topped Howard’s YPC despite trailing in receptions and carries. Both touchdowns went to Howard (and the receiving TD), but that could have easily been reversed. Don’t be fooled by the result — Sanders and Howard are very much still splitting responsibilities.
Howard: Hubba HUBBA. We looooooove three touchdowns for our guy. Love em. Howard vaulted himself into fantasy relevance with an enormous day. But please please PLEASE don’t bite. Someone in your league is going to try and sell high and as I just mentioned, he is still in a committee backfield. Doug today said that he has “four guys” and isn’t ready to name “a guy.” Notice he didn’t even say two, he said four? If the head coach says Howard is competing with Corey Clement, don’t bite. That being said, if you have someone in your league who was all in on Brian Hartline after that one game four years ago, trade Howard to that kid for someone underplaying their current value. Howard’s not irrelevant, and against the Jets could see significant usage, but his production won’t be consistent enough during the season to merit a roster spot on a championship team.
WR:
Alshon: A receiver who can catch? Who knew?! Don’t get me wrong, Alshon wasn’t leading the team in catches or anything, but from listed as questionable to 9.8 fantasy points, I liked what I saw. He caught only 3 of 9 targets, but when healthy he’s the most reliable receiver on the roster. And that doesn’t account for the addition of Desean Jackson, which will inevitably spread coverage and give Alshon more space. He’s trending up for me, and can be a reliable WR2 once Jackson is on the field.
Agholor: I reaaaaaally hope you sold high. Agholor’s zero catch day is not a fluke — he’s going to struggle to get targets when others are healthy. In games where Jackson or Alshon are healthy, he’s got 2 catches for 11 yards, no touchdowns. While the sample size is small, it illustrates how the two 8-game catches were more a product of the injuries than Agholor’s role on this team. In deep leagues you can stash him if you want to roll the dice on another injury (which, with these team, I get), but otherwise his window for fantasy relevance has been slammed shut by the health of Alshon Jeffery.
Other: If Agholor’s irrelevant, don’t even mention the other guys to me.
TE:
Ertz: The second biggest champion in his family was looking good out there, bringing a ton of energy. Seeing Ertz’ emotions on display after first downs and small cuts is a ton of fun. His usage is still down from 2018, trailing his four-game total receptions by 7 and yards by over 50. Ertz is definitely performing at his floor, so I wouldn’t fear any regression. He’s a buy-low candidate if you can swing it, but otherwise just keep on plugging with patience.
Goedert: It was really great seeing Goedert’s involvement both in the blocking game and the passing game. The fake-screen-to-Sproles-still-screen-it-but-to-Dallas was a nice reminder of the sort of trickery Doug has up his sleeve. As the season goes on, Goedert’s fantasy value is going to be dependent on Doug bringing back the flashy play-calling and creativity we’ve seen in the past, but until then there are better options.
K: Jake continues his perfect streak, but he also continues to be enormously underutilized. Doug’s willingness to go for it on 4th and short, his love of the two-point conversion, and the Eagles’ red zone efficiency push Elliott out of starter status. If the offense can find its stride and consistently put up points, and more importantly put them up early, we could see more from him.
D/ST: In the timeless words of John Mulaney, “The past is the past, surely more letters will fill in the same space!” Seriously though, there is no reason to bench Eagles D/ST this week. I can go on and on about Davante Adams’ day, our utter lack of a passing defense, cause for optimism after Graham’s big day and Bradham’s almost interception before his actual interception and Sanders’ almost kick return TD, but I won’t. Why? Because we’re playing the damn Jets. Home, away, rain or shine, start the team playing the Jets. Fun fact — in the year the Browns went 0-16, the 49ers defense was the top scoring defense, but still would have been in second if “the team playing the Browns each week” was a team. It’s all about streaming defenses.
Go birds,
Yonnell