Philly Fantasy Life, Vol. III: The Father, The Son, and the Holy GOAT
I don’t really believe in god. I don’t really care either way, so live your truth, it’s just not my thing.
Except on Sundays. I always pray on Sundays.
The day before Super Bowl LII, I went to mass at St. Rose of Lima (shoutout to my South Jersey homies, and that creepy priest Father Byerley who asked me to dress him once) (I didn’t dress him). I went to call on the big man to deliver, and boy, did he. We processed out to “I will raise you up on Eagles wings” to start our slow cookers and get some rest, and you know what happens next.
I was raised Catholic and realized really quickly how faith in the almighty can explain away anything that happens to our Eagles. Inexplicable injury? I should’ve volunteered more. Huge 4th quarter drive? Probably because I gave a dollar to the little basket. BLATANT FACEMASK THAT THE REFS DON’T CALL??? Probably because of that time in 8th grade when I cheated on a test with my middle school girlfriend even though I knew the answer but wanted to look cool, but Ms. Papa caught me and we both got 30% of our grade subtracted and my middle school girlfriend broke up with me. I’ll take responsibility for the no call, guys.
All of this is to say, I don’t believe in God, but we’re Eagles fans, and we need all the damn help we can get. So it may be a Thursday this week, and I may slander the man upstairs way too often, but this one’s dedicated to him — God, Jehovah, Yahweh, Adonai, you do you. Just please, please don’t let the mean man in Green Bay hurt the poor, innocent children being paid to play defensive back for the Eagles.
Let’s do this:
Wentz: So on Sunday the receiving corps dropped just over 19% of all the passes throw its way, the highest single-game drop rate in the league since 2015. Naturally, Wentz had a nightmarish fantasy outing as a result, right? Hell nah. The cross-bearing, bible-thumping North Dakotan put up 21.6 fantasy points (based on my league’s scoring) en route landing himself firmly as the seventh best fantasy quarterback. Why? Cuz THAT’S WHAT OUR BOY DOES. HE’S GOT THE POWER OF CHRIST ON HIS SIDE, SLINGING FOOTBALLS AND PRAYING ROSARIES BABY. ALL PRAISES, ALL BLESSINGS. JOHN 3:16. HE’S THE HOLY GOAT BABYYYYYYY TAKE THAT TO THE BANK.
For our less Christian readers, shoutout to the insurmountable talent of the NDSU product.
In all seriousness, Wentz continues to outshine every other piece of this offense. He is an absolute stud, and there is no reason for benching him. What frustrated me was how he under threw some deep balls. Wentz absolutely has the arm strength and deep ball accuracy, but missed a few guys that he should definitely be hitting. I’ll still blame the personnel on the receiving end, but if there’s a flaw in his game, that’s it.
All in all, START. WENTZ. WEEKLY. He’s a top 5, top 3 QB with all his weapons healthy, and aside from DJax, it looks like he’ll get a lot of that firepower back against the Packers.
RB:
Sanders: Remember when DeSean Jackson dropped the football crossing the goal line that one time? That’s like how this entire game felt watching Miles Sanders. The kid finally broke out to the tune of 73 receiving, 53 rushing yards, besting his previous highs in both as well as YPC. He found holes better than he had previously, and turned that into a solid fantasy day. Unfortunately, he also decided to drop the ball twice, thankfully only losing it the one time. The good news is, this isn’t a real life fantasy column, so the pros outweigh the cons in this one! Seeing Doug go right back to him with the kick return after his one fumble, showing the confidence he has in the kid, was great. With 13, 13, and 15 touches over his first three career games, he is bound to find pay dirt soon. Between an impending touchdown and receiving potential, he could move into the low RB2 conversation in deeper leagues, but otherwise remains a medium floor, high ceiling flex option.
Howard: I wish guys got fantasy points for being dope, because his pep talk to Sanders after that lost fumble was the wholesome content this tough game needed. This may seem weird, but I feel like Jordan Howard played like LaGarrette Blount. He ran North-South and had a few brutal plows, not a huge YPC, and a season high in both fantasy points and carries (9.7, 11). I expect both his and Sanders’ extra usage was a result of Alshon and DJax missing, but this was nice to see either way. It’s tough to imagine Howard moving into a serious flex appeal role, but if you’re floundering for depth there, he’s certainly made his case to Doug Pederson enough to increase his carries each week.
Sproles: Dear Doug Pederson,
I hope this message finds you well! My dear friend Darren Sproles, you may know him as your third string running back, is being painfully underutilized. In a game where you’re missing two of your best offensive weapons, it behooves me to see one of the most dangerous players in the NFL touch the ball twice. Please give him the ball more.
Lots of love,
Will
PS: If you’re not Doug and you’re reading this, why is Sproles even on your roster?
WR:
Alshon: *gif of Michael Scott saying “Oh, my God! Okay, it’s happening!*
START HIM. Aaron Rodgers is going to tear our secondary apart, so I’m betting we’ll air it out a good amount.
DJax: RIP
Agholor: If Jordan Howard was doing his best LaGarrette Blount impression, Nelson Agholor did his best Nelson Agholor impression. High volume and two TDs as the #1 guy in the WR corps makes sense, and he delivered. But wait, what’s that? Drops and fumbles, you say? That’s more like it. Not that it was the hottest take, but for my haters keeping score, I nailed this one. Expect a big drop in fantasy utility after the reincarnation of Alshon, so he’s a good sell high candidate if anyone in your league doesn’t pay a ton of attention.
Other: I won’t even say their goddamn names. They don’t deserve it. I’d rather shove a toothpick under my toenail and kick a wall than speak of them. Pretty sure the UNC kid has a negative catch radius, and the Stanford rookie who shall also remain nameless… how do you drop that? ESPN, I would like to formally revoke their listing as fantasy options. Remove them from the database. Burn their names. They never existed. We drafted DK Metcalf, right? RIGHT?
TE:
Ertz: The other super Christian white guy on this offense didn’t muster nearly as much God power this week. Credit goes to the Lions: they’ve covered tight ends quite well this season. Honestly, I would use Ertz as trade bait in a package deal if you need a good WR or RB. I have little doubt he will stay miserly, but he’s not producing as much as you probably drafted him for, and the name recognition alone could get you some value. Otherwise, keep on starting him.
Goedert: He was a last minute add, having been expected to sit. The only reason I’m writing anything about him is that he truly impacted the run blocking in a positive way, per Volume II. Rewatch the film — he helped create lanes where we’d been lacking, and Howard and Sanders benefitted.
K: Until the birds start putting points on the board consistently, don’t bother with Jake. We love Jake, but don’t bother.
D/ST: Matt Stafford didn’t look great on paper, but he had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. I swear to god, he could thaw chicken before Mrs. Stafford gets home from work and Fletcher Cox still wouldn’t have broken the line. Pressure is an enormous issue for this team right now, and if Aaron Rodgers gets an ounce of what Stafford got, Pack by a million.
Thoughts on Prayers will be in full effect on Thursday.
Go Birds,
Will
PS: God, if you’re reading this, could you come through in the first quarter every once in a while?