Jason Witten Returns to Catching 3 Yard Dump Offs From Dak After Failed Commentator Career

After one train wreck of a year as an analyst for Monday Night Football, Jason Witten will be returning to the Dallas Cowboys (at age 37).

The move comes as a bit of a surprise, but not really. He was failing as a color commentator and yearned for the mediocrity of the Dallas Cowboys. 

The Cowboys for Witten are a lot like coffee. Does coffee taste good? No. Does it hurt your stomach? Yes. Does it stain your teeth? Yes. It has no good qualities, yet, you’re still addicted. Witten just can’t get that 8-8 aftertaste out of his mouth.

As for us NFL fans, this is huge. Not from an X’s and O’s standpoint because no one gives a shit about the Cowboys. But for Monday Might Football this is a game changer. Last year, MNF was completely unwatchable. I watched the DI-A semi-final between Maine and Weber State last year. That’s how much I love football. But I despised that MNF crew from a year ago. Snoozefest.

My advice to ESPN for finding a replacement? Just because they played in the pros doesn’t mean they know what the fuck they’re talking about. The Players Only Broadcast on TNT is hot garbage. Get a guy with actual broadcasting experience.