Imagine Being as Pathetic and Sad as Minnesota

By Aidan Powers & Vince Scian

Anytime we get near the end of the year, people reflect on how long of a year it’s been. I can’t believe 2018 was so long Black Panther came out this year! I can’t believe 2018 was so long the Winter Olympics were this year! Fascinating that one year is in fact a long time. But as we reflect on this year in Philadelphia sports, it really has been a LONG year of Minnesota related domination.

 

As 2018 comes to a close, the Minnesota Vikings gave us one last parting gift: Kirk Cousins & Co. arguing on the sideline as they mustered up 10 points in a win or go him affair. A fitting ending for what has been a year filled with Minnesota sports coming up short, coming up small.

 

It all started here:

 

 

Bold strategy to poke a bee’s nest and then be like, “damn you bees, I can’t believe you stung me!”.

After that, it went downhill faster than Chloe Kim at the Winter Olympics. Which were this year! Unreal!

Let’s reflect on the embarrassment Minnesota has gone through courtesy of Philadelphia this year, shall we? It all started with the NFC Championship game and that hilarious display above. We can’t forget them giving Rocky a new outfit which, let’s face it, was too funny and cute to get mad at like when your dog chews up a nice throw pillow but gives you the eyes. You can’t help but go,” Aw buddy it’s okay you didn’t know any better.” Let’s not forget this Philly legend either:

 

 

38-7 later… the Eagles proceed to win their first Super Bowl in Minnesota where the Vikings could have been the first team to win a Super Bowl in their own stadium. Oh, and all of this was with a broken, battered team with a backup quarterback.

 

And then there is part three. People forget the Sixers picked up perennial all-star, Jimmy Butler, from Minnesota as well in exchange for a heart broken Dario Saric AND they took Jerryd Bayless (laughing emoji laughing emoji laughing emoji). Sixers debates aside, no one can argue this was not a big brother (Philly) throwing his little brother (Minnesota) off the Xbox (Jimmy Butler).

 

Philly also stole their dumb Skol thing that they stole from soccer anyway. We turned it into the rallying cry for Foles as he took us to a Super Bowl and early this season and Fultz whenever he was semi-balling in at the end of last season. So, keep trying to have nice things, Minnesota, Philly will take them all.

 

While this is a viral thing on Twitter, is Minnesota even a real place? Are we even sure the Vikings exist? Are they sure they exist? Are all Minnesotaians just paid by the government? Is Kirk Cousins a robot with a broken clutch? Think about it…

 

The Vikings are really just Wile E. Coyote. They’re this doofus who’s always super confident their latest scheme will work out for them but it always ends up back firing or being a painted picture of a rode on a rock wall. Not to mention the fact they’ll just never catch that bird. Go Birds.

 

Maybe this is just the food chain in professional sports and I was too young to realize it. We may not land Lebron like LA can, or Machado like NY can. Maybe we’re just not big enough. But we’re not the smallest fish in the ocean in the ocean, that’s for damn sure. Far from it. Because if Minnesota were a fish in the food chain, they wouldn’t be a fish at all. They’d be the barnacles you scrape off the side of a boat. That’s how pathetic and small they are.

Onto Chicago.

By Vince Scian | December 31, 2018
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