When the Patriots Hail Mary in the Super Bowl hit the ground and the game was over, I immediately broke down crying. After quickly transitioning from joyous tears to celebratory shots of anything we could get our hands on, a brief thought crossed my mind: Cowboys fans my age, for as much shit as they talk, have never had this feeling, and for a long time, they never will.
Growing up in Harrisburg, PA, you were smack dab in the middle of the state. So, it was alright to like other teams, like the Steelers or even the Ravens. Just not the Cowboys. Yet, still they popped up. I thought I would be able to eliminate those bandwagon parasites when I moved to Philly. It didn’t happen.
I quickly discovered that our entire nation was infested with mentally diseased, millennial Cowboy fans. At this age (I’m 23), they worship a franchise that they have no geographical attachment to, basking in the successes that occurred before they were even born, and promoting the brand of “America’s Team” which has not been relevant in decades. It’s the perfect combination of arrogance, delusion and laziness: a reputation that often follows us millennials as a whole. Except in this case it’s true, minus the avocado toast.
ARROGANT because they still see themselves and their football team as a gold standard. Coasting on fumes into a SNF showdown against the Giants to commence every year for the sake of ratings. Quality football does not ensue on most occasions. DELUSIONAL because they continually have a narcissist belief that the brand of “America’s Team” still holds the same weight as it did in the 70’s. LAZY because they spew recycled, “5 rings” arguments anytime the subject of head to head success in the NFC East is brought up. In the last two decades, the Cowboys have two playoff wins. In that same time period, the Eagles have 13 playoff wins, 6 conference championship appearances, 2 Super Bowl appearances, and (obviously) a Super Bowl victory. I guess I would use whatever recycled material I’d have too if the resumes looked like that. Regardless, the traits of young Cowboys fans are the exact negative connotations surrounding the millennial generation.
During my full-time job (unfortunately roasting Cowboys fans is only a part time gig), I meet with potential clients daily. A lot of times, the Eagles come up as they most often do with people from this area. I’ve had people cry talking about the Dutch Destroyer, I’ve had people tell me some wild Super Bowl night stories, I’ve had people tell me what section of the Vet they had season tickets in (and still do at The Linc). Being from this area, we all have those types of stories in common and we all share the same pride when we tell them. When you’re a Cowboys fan from Pennsylvania, you lack that regional pride. You have an emotionless tie to a team halfway across the country that goes against most of the values and traits growing up in the Northeast instilled in you. Even if the Cowboys WERE to get back to winning ways, the elation of victory would not have the same effect as we felt On February 4, 2018.
If you’re an older Cowboys fan, raised in the 70’s and the first thing you knew was Dallas reigning supreme, I get it. You’re a spineless bandwagon, but I get it. But you millennial Cowboys fans,…you filthy, ignorant fans of a dreadful team, you are the absolute worst. You at everything that’s wrong with sports fandom and this country. You try to reap the benefits of something you didn’t put the work in for. You hide behind the excuse, “My Dad is a Cowboys fan”, as the logical reasoning behind rooting for a team you really should have no affiliation with. You spew uneducated arguments with no substance like some Fox News talk show host. You’ve never felt pain because you have Yankees baseball to fall back on. You’ve never even stepped foot in Texas, but you rep Dallas like it’s your hometown, ignoring the hometown that raised you. You soul-sucking trolls are the bane of my existence and I hope we beat your ass on Sunday. And I hope we beat your ass every Sunday we play you. Except in January each year, because God knows you won’t be around for playoff football.
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