Today Is The Most Important First Pitch In Sixers History

Tonight, the Philadelphia Phillies play in their biggest game in quite some time. You may ask, wasn’t the Braves series pretty important, seeing as first place was on the line? Eh, I guess. But tonight, just one pitch in this game will have impact for years to come. After months of seeing which celebrity will ring the victory bell, it’s the Sixers turn to do ceremonial pre-game bull shit as Ben Simmons is slated to throw the first pitch at Citizens Bank Park before the Phillies take on the Blue Jays. Cute ceremonial first pitch that is a great PR move for both teams? NO. A defining moment for the next decade of Sixers basketball. ABSOLUTELY.

Here’s the thing about Ben Simmons, he’s right handed. I don’t know what his dad was doing while they were training over in Australia but the rookie sensation is shooting with the wrong hand. There is a hitch in his shot, when we even see his shot, that may never be correctable. There’s a solid chance that Benny comes out Saturday night, takes the mound, and delivers some cheese…with his right hand.

Look, I’ve said from the start, since we drafted Ben, that he may give you 13,13 and 13 every night for his entire career and never learn to shoot. Believe it or not, I’m okay with that, but that’s another blog post for another day. Although, if Ben comes out and takes the mount at CBP and throws with his right hand, he has to start shooting with his right hand, that’s the rule…that I just made up.

In all likelihood, here’s what will happen: Ben Simmons, who has never played baseball in his life, will come out and a throw a shitty first pitch with his left hand. It’ll go viral and all the Process haters will have a field day. Donovan Mitchell will have some slick subtweet and we will continue to ignore the fact that the Utah Jazz were dead in the water until Rudy Gobert returned from injury. Then, Simmons will get screwed out of the Rookie of the Year next month because this is Philadelphia and the rest of the sports world doesn’t want us to have nice things (41-33 mother fuckers).

Today could be the dawn of a new era in Sixers basketball if Simmons throws the first pitch with his right hand. Star basketball player throws a baseball, only to find out he’s been using the wrong hand this whole time, his one weakness is eliminated and he becomes a dominant scorer thanks to his newfound shooting ability. Gonna give Air Bud a run for its money in the unrealistic sports movies category.